BEING POLITE TO AMHERST COLLEGE STUDENTS AND IN PARTICULAR AMHERST MEN?? FUCKING C A N C E L L E D

i hate this place so fucking much lmao

I know I should really get up and unpack

But being in bed with you is so nice

And I’m not gonna be able to do this for a long time

너무나 이기적인걸 아는데

우리 그냥

이렇게 있으면 안될까?

I love hearing you wake up and hearing your smile creep up when you realize I’m awake too

I love you bb don’t ever forget that

Dear Brendan,

Thank you. For understanding my fears, for trying to be clearer for me, for loving me when I’m so hard to love. I know I was childish this morning. I should be more confident in the knowledge that you’ll be there for me if I need. Thank you for reminding me not to retreat too far into my head.

This letter is a little shorter because we talked it through so extensively and you’ve been so amazing to me, so there’s not much more that I can say that I haven’t said already, but… here I am still. Because my feelings are so intense that I can’t really do anything else with them.

I don’t think you realize just how much I admire you. When I see you, I can’t take my eyes off you because I still think it’s so amazing that you want to be with me. And it doesn’t hurt that you’re attractive too /)/////////( but I digress. I really do admire you a lot, not in the “I think you’re someone to put on a pedestal and worship” although I will admit that I tend to idealize you a lot because you’re so kind to me in ways that I’m just not used to, but in the “I can’t believe I get to share a space with this person and call them mine.” It’s a little (more like extremely) egotistical of me but my chest really swells when I see you and I realize that you’re my boyfriend, emphasis on the my.

You hold a special place in my heart (as in you occupy the entirety of my heart lmao) and I’m so glad I know you. I’m truly lucky to be your partner.

All the love in the world,

Rosie

Dear Brendan,

I don’t know how else to put it. I love you but sometimes I wonder if you love me. I know the idea of me questioning your love and our relationship bothers you, bothers you a lot, but it’s not like I can see all the tells from here. For all I know you’re playing at love while I’m gone because you only see me when I’m physically there. You don’t really do any of the things that long distance couples do, with the matching phone chains and the pictures as wallpapers but having met you I know how gesturally expressive you are. So for you to not make those gestures, I just… feel insecure.

Do you love me? I mean… I know when I’m there that you do. Your pupils dilate when you look at me and you’re affectionate and you love to spoon and cuddle so I have all the tells I need and then I don’t need the reassurance. But when we’re apart it’s like you become totally indifferent. It’s vain and selfish of me but I want to be important enough to be on your phone screen. I want to mean enough for you to drop little messages for me, snaps of how your day’s going or a story that reminds you of me. Or memes. I want to plan a future for us. I want to know that there’s room for me in your future.

But that’s selfish of me.

I love you, Brendan, so, so much. More than you could imagine. You’re my favorite person in the world. You’re the first person to make me feel safe, the first person to make me feel like the stakes aren’t life and death, the first person to make me feel so loved. I feel so loved when I’m with you. I just… wish I could feel that loved when I’m not.

Please, just… talk to me. Talk to me when things are hard, when they’re upsetting. Talk to me when things are good, when something small but nice happens and your day was made a little easier. I feel like I’m drowning in your silence because you never tell me anything. I’m begging you; talk to me. Please. I promise I’ll listen. If you don’t want dissections or unsolicited advice tell me. If you just want me to be a void to scream into tell me. If you want me to go away tell me.

I love you, Brendan. You mean the world to me. I just… wish you expressed your love for me in ways that are easier to see from a distance. You’re an incredible guy, Brendan, but you’re so quiet and withdrawn in a way that my anxiety doesn’t play nice with that I need that reassurance, but you don’t have the noonchi to really understand how or why. But I love you anyway. With all my heart.

All the love in the world,

Rosie

i’m really not looking forward to school

i don’t want to interact with people

i don’t want to do club things

i kind of want to go partying but to do that i have to interact with people and i don’t want to interact with people

i don’t want to overload both semesters but here i am

i don’t want to spend close to a year away from brendan

i know i’m moving to texas, all my closest friends live there and i’d love to see them even if things don’t quite line up between brendan and me, and the savings account i have will cover a house and a car and furniture (probably)

i just want to take my diploma and go

i want to feel warm and safe

but this place makes me feel cold inside

I miss his hands

I miss his hugs

I miss his warmth when we cuddle

I miss his quiet safety

I miss being able to reach out and touch him

I miss kissing him

I miss the green in his voice irl

I miss sleeping with the knowledge that I’d see him in the morning

근데 아무래도 그대는 나를 전여 보고싶지 않겠지

카메라에 대해 너무 겁나는 내가

화상 채팅 하고싶다고

그대 보고싶어서 화상 채팅 하자고 부탁했는데

3번이나 부탁했는데

3번 다 무시 당해 버렸네

i just

get so giggly and squishy when it comes to brendan

i can’t help it the oxytocin just floods my system whenever i think of him

i went to therapy today and my therapist asked how i was post-trip so i told him about the withdrawal and how i was having trouble adjusting to being back which wasn’t like me

and basically spent the entire time being poked at over my squishiness and how glowy talking about snuggling and spooning made me

… okay but i still can’t believe brendan likes spooning so much

it’s fucking incredible he’s so cute

and when he said on the bus that i could sleep on him on the plane omg my heart

AND WHEN I PLONKED MY HEAD DOWN ON HIS SHOULDER AND HE RESTED HIS ON MINE AND THEN AFTERWARD SAID THAT IT WAS SUPER CUTE????

i can’t deal he’s so adorable i literally roll around screeching because he’s so cute and i love him so much

Am I ever gonna stop screaming about my feelings NOPE NYALL ARE STUCK

I JUST REALLY LOVE BRENDAN A LOT OKAY

I know, so shockingly heterosexual (well, about as hetero as a nonbinary person can get)

He does such cute shit though

I sent a crusty ass half asleep selfie on snap asking what he’d do if he saw this gremlin sleeping next to him and he said he’d kiss me!!!!

He’s the only person my switch has taken a backseat for, cuddling with him just feels too nice as it is

Not to say I’m not curious about what it’d be like with him since he makes me feel so warm and safe but it’s not a Let’s See If We Match In That Way kind of feeling but the oxytocin and dopamine rush from spooning is overwhelming enough as it is

I wanna video chat with him before I have to start my massive clean and pack before going back on campus

Hopefully I don’t chicken out on asking tonight

I feel like

I’ve been dreaming over the past week

Texas was a beautiful dream being with Brendan was a beautiful dream and I’m going to cherish it

But I need to wake up

I need to face the reality that wanting more of that feeling is greed

I can’t be greedy