Pluck the Rose Gently

God I hate!!!!! my next door neighbor

Spent most of last night yelling about shit and watching tv (or listening to radio dramas/audiobooks or some shit) super loud with his friends

Licherally woke up blind today probably because of him

Apparently room change requests can be made but idek where I’d go like at least I’m next to the kitchen that no one uses for events bc it’s small so I don’t have to share and also the study nook that’s nice and cool and no one goes there either so I can just sprawl my things out

I just

Don’t know if I can handle a year of this

Literally the only thing I can get out of him at this point is ed*bles maybe but I asked once and didn’t hear anything and tbh I don’t even know if I wanna try them!!! Pot’s a little weird and psychedelic and fucks with my synesthesia I don’t like the aftermath!!!

I ended up being a little possessive and greedy and getting couple keychains from Etsy for our anniversary

Nothing too fancy just our states and initials so I get his and he gets mine

Just something for me to make sure people know he’s taken and something to keep him close with

There’s a guy here who says he likes me, he used to give off a similar energy to brendan but he’s younger and taller and kind of a jerk

He didn’t believe me when I told him I visited my boyfriend this past summer, just kinda made a snrk sound and smirked at me and tried to ask me to go partying with them and then when I said my synesthesia made partying kinda rough he asked me out on basically a date and I said no since I’m dating someone I love already and he just,,, gave off this aura of I’m Better Than Whoever You May Be Dating For Real Or Not

Brendan didn’t like that of course, thinks the guy is a tool and when I made a joke about saying yes purely to show off pics of us and brag about my relationship he said it would’ve been hilarious but he would’ve been terrified of what the guy might’ve done in private, which I thought was really kind and considerate of him, and also kinda cute

Is it too evil of me to feel relieved that brendan also feels a little possessive? /)////////////( it’s attractive coming from brendan bc I know it’s safe so it’s not like he’s gonna cut me off from the outside world or monopolize me in toxic ways or do the things that are negatively associated with being possessive

The past couple days I’ve felt super loved, idk what changed or if anything did on his end but it’s been nice, I feel nice and squishy

Latest incognito search:

“My boyfriend’s and my anniversary is in about 2 weeks and I’m feeling super possessive and needy is this normal”

idk why but while reading Kitchen for japanese i can’t stop thinking about the time when brendan and i went to watch christopher robin together and for a single moment i felt so alone because there was a couple in front of us, about our age, being super affectionate, like not in the trashy way but holding hands and she was leaning her head against his shoulder and brendan and i were just standing quietly close to each other, like the only reason it wasn’t awkward was ‘cause at the time we didn’t think it was, but i felt so alone in that moment

and then we walked into the movie and sat down and brendan just,,, grabbed onto my hand? and i mean we let go whenever one of us needed to drink but barring those few seconds we spent the entire time holding hands and it was so nice

but i’m reading kitchen and for some reason like it’s not even related but one of the quotes on the first page just makes me remember this exact moment? and it just,,, hits me really hard

god it’s weird to think about how he really turned my views of existence around

like yeah i have my bad times my scars won’t heal instantly and will probably never go away but yesterday was just

he’d been distant for 4-5 days because he was spending all night every night with his friends and often not sleeping (and sometimes not even coming home) until past 9AM the next morning so i worried about him like,,, falling asleep at the wheel or some shit ‘cause all i heard from him was “hi” and “gnight i love you” for 4-5 days

and on top of that i’ve been bleeding for 12 days now like what the fuck

AND THEN with how small and insignificant this campus makes me feel my parents were upset that i wasn’t going to my nephew’s 돌잔치 because it’s the first weekend back and i’m still settling in is my excuse but really i didn’t want to start a fight with them because that’s what always happens when we’re in the same room

so of course they sent passive aggressive texts about how it’s wise of me not to go because all i would do is get in the way anyway

and i’d already tried to drink my problems away and run out of vodka before that happened so when i saw a couple jocks from down the hall with a giant bottle of vodka while i was making ramen for dinner i asked if i could bum some booze so they said i could have some if i was down to party

i licherally only meant to stay for like one (1) song and run away with the booze but then it got super crowded i couldn’t even put my phone in front of myself for selfie snapchats ‘cause i ran the risk of hitting someone

but then brendan panicked because the last time i had a run-in with party-goers one guy tried to reach for my boobs and i punched him and he was worried about something like that happening when i didn’t have space to defend myself

so i booked it home and luckily the party was literally just on the 2nd floor of the kitchen, so around the corner from my room, meaning i was home in like a minute and i could talk him down from the chaos storm i’d caused

it also turns out he’d been ghosting his friends because he wanted to spend last night with me so that i could spend midnight of his birthday with him, that was really sweet of him /)////////////////////(

and all in all last night was great, i sobered up quick thanks to pineapple juice clearing my eyesight and hearing and we re-watched Now You See Me on rabbit

the only thing that might’ve made it better would’ve been video chatting but we were both wrecks so probably not

and he felt like he was responsible for me being self destructive so i ended up giving him one of the letters that i swore would never see the light of day, because i needed him to know that it’s not his fault i’m like this

the letter made him cry

so i guess my letters make him emotional oops /)/////////////(

i hope his birthday present gets to him Soon, i paid extra in postage to get it to him on time and USPS claims a money back guarantee if it doesn’t make it to the destination by the next day so,,,,,,

Lock me away where I can’t hurt anyone

Quarantine me where I can’t see anyone

Block all contact so I can’t reach anyone

There’s only so much I can do on my own

I don’t want to hurt anyone

I don’t want to get in anyone’s way

But I’m always in the way

I’m always doing something wrong

I feel

So cold inside

I hate this place

I hate being away from him

I hate being away from them

I hate everyone here

I hate being useless

I hate being terrible

I hate being me

I hate myself

Who would want to be anywhere near something like this

I want reassurance that I’m not alone

But I won’t get any

Because who cares

No one

No one cares

Because I’m terrible

god today was such a cursed day

went to my first class today bracing myself for unpleasantness since i didn’t really get along with the professor bc i hated!! his boy’s club teaching method in the last class i took with him

but no

it’s taught by TWO professors i wanted to avoid

to be fair the second professor barely knows me

… because i dropped his class last semester after the suic*de

and then i tried to turn in a form so i could overload this semester

office was still running on summer hours and was closed

i did a stupid and slipped my form under the door, idk why i did that and am full of regret

after that i took a bus to go to the mall to get notebooks

got on the express bus instead and ended up going all the way to noho

got to the mall on the ride back but then my bra ripped

so i fucking,,, spent more money on emergency bras when i’d already bought some online

and then when i got to target they didn’t have any spiral bound notebooks that i needed so i didn’t buy notebooks anyway

and now brendan’s ignoring me because his friends sucked him into For The King and he says the game’s super distracting but he treats me like i’m the distraction

i just feel like garbage today

i have homework to do for tomorrow but i just

don’t see the point

it’s only the first day but school didn’t feel as bad as i thought it would. it was nice to see the one (1) white male professor i like and my classes seem genuinely interesting and engaging. hopefully the readings don’t kill me but i guess i’m just gonna have to budget my time lmao

i need to start getting rid of things like clothes i don’t wear and shit like that so that all my things will fit in 2 suitcases, a carry-on, and a backpack again, to prepare for moving. my classes seem cool but i still hate my classmates and i don’t want to interact or engage with people here so that’s gonna be a bit rough

but some fringe friends are still here, turns out some people i’m still vaguely friendly with took semesters and years off here and there so they’re gonna be around. i don’t feel any pressure to socialize with them thank god but it’s nice to see a face i know in a classroom every once in a while

i just wanna peace out and go to texas. yeah that’s a definite move i think. a lot of my True Friends live in austin and brendan’s there too so it seems like a wise move overall

hopefully this school year doesn’t kill me