Category: Uncategorized

Had to go off tumblr for the most part after the pigchaser incident, please don’t send pictures like that to other people there’s literally no reason to do that

Brendan and I have been really good? It’s weird but I like it

Every day I wake up and see him on voice chat with me in our discord server and the first thought is “wow he’s really great”

I love him so much

I feel like our relationship’s just been getting better and better since we met in person

Our anniversary at the end of September was pretty great

I don’t remember feeling this content, not with alasund, not with Alex (although that’s not their fault since I did lose months of my memory and most of my personality that summer) and definitely not with obko

Even with everything going on here, with the suicide and with josh and every other shitty thing on this end, I spend my mornings feeling so happy and content

Yesterday looked like it was gonna be so bad, I had horrifying nightmares bc of 할머니 basically cursing me with a haunting and then in therapy my therapist tried to do parts therapy again but my anxiety gremlin part took over and it felt like I was in a horror movie in my mind and my therapist couldn’t snap me out of it bc the anxiety had such a tight hold and my friend got mad at me bc I’d been trying to help her with a relationship but they weren’t dating and then they decided not to be a couple even though they had feelings for each other and she just raged and raged at me for being nosy and intrusive and annoying and bothersome and naive and for giving shit advice

And my hands wouldn’t stop shaking because of the anxiety, I couldn’t type I couldn’t knit I couldn’t do anything

But brendan used his work break to check in with me on voice

And he spent so much time trying to make me laugh last night

Of course it worked, just being with him makes me so happy

And then he got me a birthday present

I was super super curious so I asked him what it was and he told me

Tbh I’m lowkey glad I know what it is bc if I got it and saw it then I might’ve cried from how much I loved it

He got me a necklace with his birthstone and initial on it

It’s really surprising a lot of the time but he really has a possessive streak and it just makes me so happy that he wants to mark me as his ;O;

Made a joke about how it might help deter unwanted suitors bc now that the josh incident has escalated he doesn’t trust any guy i mention here lmao

For good reason I don’t trust most of them either

But it’s still funny to hear him say that the only guy friend I have that he trusts is Jeremy, and even then only bc Jeremy’s engaged to another mutual friend Cassie, and bc Jeremy and Cassie brought us together, and bc he’s actually talked with Jeremy on voice

He used to have the romantic sensibility of a walnut but he’s been really affectionate and warm even on discord and this birthday present really caught me off guard bc it’s jewelry? Jewelry that circles around a body part which is kind of a possessive move?? AND IT CLEARLY MARKS ME AS HIS WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE POSSESSIVE MOVE??? And his possessiveness just makes me feel so warm and safe bc I know he’s not gonna hurt me or do anything bad to me and with josh it just feels so reassuring

For a little bit I was a little scared that I was just cowering behind brendan when dealing with josh via “I have a boyfriend leave me alone” when brendan didn’t wanna deal with it but he said he’d been stuck on what to get me for a while but kept coming back to this necklace and HE said that maybe it’d be a better josh repellent haha

Idk it’s just… so nice? that he wants to show off that I’m taken and his specifically

this campus may as well be a cemetery, here lies A, class of 20XX, who died this way on this day in this place and was on this team and in these clubs may their soul rest in peace. over and over and over again every single time

even when a guy died under weird circumstances in mexico this spring, they pushed out every detail possible through email, put out news updates, oh it was deemed a murder, no he got electrocuted, no he got murdered with electricity, my condolences to everyone, push this into every college inbox

i’m so sick of it, i’m so sick of the college administration and our professors throwing emails at us with all the mental health resources when they know damn well we don’t have the time or energy to seek them out because there’s a project due that’s worth a third of our grade and 150+ pages of reading a night, or 3-4 major labs, plus research and all the busywork that involves, we’re all counting how many nights in a row we can or have to stay up and how many hours we can afford to sleep if we want okay grades and a social life, and not even a partying social life, a social life where we have actual friends we see with any consistency

they do this every time, detailed emails every time, last semester, last year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago

when will they address the real problems and stop turning our mental health into a circus

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I’ve been clean for years but god it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to cut this badly my brain just creates these scenarios where it’s a good thing I’m dead because brendan can find someone better and more deserving of him and I don’t really contribute anything to the world anyway so really what is anyone losing with my death and wouldn’t it be such a pity if you lived only to become washed up and useless in your twenties and I can’t shake it because if I died or disappeared who’d even know? Who’d even care? No one on campus would no one from Korea would. Anyone who’d care if they found out probably wouldn’t hear anyway. Brendan wouldn’t know he’d just worry about me and then say he’s done with me and that he’ll talk to me some other time

Why can’t I just die already

Wow the more posts I see about Straight Men™ and their buffoonery the happier I am about dating brendan?

Like, all things considered (being 21 and still young and a night owl who lives with his mother) he’s a well adjusted human who takes care of his own basic needs and also contributes to taking care of the house? He does chores around the house and takes care of his living space (he lives up on the 2nd floor of the house so that’s mostly his space), he cooks and cleans for himself and does all steps of his own laundry INCLUDING PUTTING IT AWAY, he interacts with me and other people like a goddamn respectful human and is generous and kind no matter what, and he always steps up and takes care of his responsibilities at the appropriate times regardless of what he’s doing in the meantime.

Granted we flew through a thunderstorm from the get-go and there was thunder while I was there so I had Reasons to be incapacitated but he really spent way more time taking care of me while I was visiting and there were a LOT of moments where if I’d documented them people with romantic partners would be like “when will my partner EVER” like when I hunkered down in his room and he wrapped me up in blankets and got me juice to clear my senses, or when Jessie got all up in my face when I’d gone nonverbal so he got her off me, or when he pulled up a playlist he made of my favorite songs to drown out the storm.

Every time I see a post outlining how awful a straight man is to his girlfriend/wife I have an aneurysm because they literally choose to be horrible when it costs $0.00 to not be like that!! now that I’m dating someone who fits all the physical characteristics of the Straight Male Nerd Who Could Also Be An Axe Murderer Or Shooter and could also be mistaken for an incel (white guy in his 20s, lives with his mother, works at McDonald’s and wishes he could do better but doesn’t know how, obsessed with video games and movies, can easily spend all night every night playing video games with friends, withdrawn and awkward, lacking dating experience despite being interested in sex and romance) but who doesn’t fit any of the shitty behaviors AT ALL it makes me so angry that those men in the posts have that undeserved entitlement complex. They could easily have some basic decency and ability to exist on their own but they choose not to and would rather force their labor on others and I’m not about that life.

Which is why I’m so glad brendan isn’t like that. There’s always a post on my dash about how there’s a difference between a kind man and a man who is kind because he’s attracted to you and I’m so glad I’m dating someone who’s the former and not the latter.

I love him a lot yeah but also he proves over and over again that he deserves my love and is willing to do work in our relationship and also in his own life. So hopefully the few like brendan make the rest of the rabble clean their acts up because goddamn straight women put up with way too much shit.

LICHERALLY as I’m thinking of how surprised I am that he loves spooning and kinda wishing he was here so we could stay in bed and spoon a post comes up on my dash about it

It’s totally fate I hope I get to see him soon