Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Just testing to see if this blog’s doing the same thing

Sometimes it just blows my mind that there are things about my romantic partner that literally only I get to see

Like when Brendan’s super sleepy for one reason or another and I can literally see it in his voice

Or when we’re both creating characters for d&d campaigns and we nerd out over the cool shit we come across while figuring out who we are in our respective worlds

Or when we’re watching The Good Place and thirsting over the pretty people together (and by extension when we’re watching movies and a very attractive lady enters and I thirst and he says “mood” bc thirsting over characters together is a bonding activity when you both like girls)

There’s just… a lot that only I get to see and wow what a miracle tbh

I can’t wait to see him in a little over a month

January 8-15!! i get!! an entire week!!!!! with brendan!!!!!!!!

plane tickets were super super cheap too i’m so happy

AND

when we were figuring out dates his mom said that they were planning on going to Cirque du Soleil on the weekend of the 11th and told me to make sure to be there that weekend so I could go with them aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

i’m so excited omg

i can see him again

my wish actually came true

i’m so happy i could cry

wow i peaked today!! today was an objectively great day!!!!

went to therapy and felt valid af like always bc my therapist is a goddamn GIFT to this hell campus

was eating lunch and then brendan!! said that his mom gave the OK for me to visit!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!! so now i’m visiting him in january!!

and then i fuckening PEAKED in class!!!! trent is obsessed with the word “gemeinschaft” so when we were talking about building community i used it to make fun of how much he loved the word!! and the class cracked up but then he gave me twO THUMBS UP!!!! THIS MAN WHO FOR TWO YEARS THOUGHT I WAS AN UTTER MORON AND BUFFOON GAVE ME TWO THUMBS UP

so yeah today was great i’m happy

wow i can’t believe i met a romantic partner with whom i can easily and safely imagine spending the rest of my life

even when things go horribly wrong between us there’s a way through and we made it

i couldn’t do this with alasund or anyone else

i love him so much

boy oh boy do i love not being worth an actual response

or any interaction other than an empty response

kind of makes me wonder just how much talking i’ve been doing to carry the relationship

god my favorite part of waking up on weekends is brendan waking up after me and being all cute and sleepy like !!!!! that’s a moment only i get to see and hear and what a blessing tbh

a;lsdkjfad;lrjwepofjslkj i came across an old audio i did for an e//x and wow i really say “i love you” so much?

what a great thing though why reserve and be stingy with “i love”s like shit man i loved him and it crashed and burned spectacularly but i loved him with no shame and i know that wasn’t what i thought it was but i have no regrets over expressing my love so freely

i fucking love my friends so much they’re more family than my father will ever be and i make sure they know like shit man i love them so much

and brendan

my brendan

he says that his favorite part of waking up is that i’m usually awake before him and i drop him messages every morning

“love u bb thanks for last night”

“love u <3″

“i love you please don’t ever forget that”

and like wow!! i’m really such a loving person and for five years i let my parents make me think i was some kind of demon spawn with no regard for anyone else and no sense of love or family or anything good

idk i just like that i can say it a lot even when things don’t go well

things are bad rn

father hates me so much that he has to dedicate half an hour to screaming at me about how i’m brainless and stupid and i need to think about very basic things that i’ve already been thinking about

1. driver’s license and car

he screamed and screamed and screamed at me about how i don’t have my license yet and tried to make me feel guilty that i wasn’t letting him provide for me bc he apparently wanted to buy me a car but you need a license for a car

meanwhile i’m not rushing my license bc it’s easier to buy a car after moving, i’m planning on moving halfway across the country it would be so much easier to buy a car after moving and transferring my license and it’d save so much money too but he won’t listen to me he just screams about how i’m a lazy undisciplined brat and this is why i need someone like him to guide my poor brainless stupid ass

2. Where i’m gonna live

first he asks where i’m planning on living then he screams at me for wanting to live in a specific city i have no idea what the purpose of this was

i told him about my plans to move to houston, he screamed at me for wanting to move to a new city halfway across the country with no job offers on the table. domestic job applications for 2019 grads usually open in the spring outside of business/consulting and grad school. do you see my problem

and then literally two messages later he complains that i’m not considering boston like

houston is so much cheaper and hopefully i won’t even need a cosigner with my credit score like i tried so fucking hard to minimize his costs bc he complains so fucking much about how expensive i was to raise like i didn’t have to go to an international school we could’ve lived in america and i could’ve gone to public school i could’ve gone to korean public school i never chose where he went to school, i could’ve gone to brandeis with a scholarship and saved him so much fucking money but he insisted that if i wasn’t going to apply to “real” schools that i go to the best one so obviously he chose amherst but i could’ve saved him so much money and in the end he chooses to spend that much and then make me feel guilty for his choices

3. lasik surgery

idek he screamed that he wanted to provide this for me but because i’m such a bratty bitch demon and a thieving liar he can’t, as if his hitting me and throwing shit at me had nothing to do with why i never want to go to korea again while he’s alive i don’t even know why he thought this was so basic like yeah in principle that’d be great!! but we both know that he’s just gonna hold it over my head as another way he COULD provide for me if i’d just stop being such a demon brat and be a good child for once in my miserable life

4. family

he says that i have no sense of family but guess what i do he’s just not part of it!! bc he’s an abusive asshole!! and i’ve passed afraid into tired!! he can’t control me anymore bc the stakes are exactly the same, if i do as he says eventually i’ll fuck up and he’ll kill me and what’s the worst that happens, he comes to kill me and then gets barred from campus? i am literally no worse off now so this is my choice, it’s my fucking life i’m not his to manipulate

also i fucking love how for over FIVE FUCKENING YEARS my mom let me believe that everything that was wrong between my father and me was all my fault? “he hit me and threw things at me” “well you deserved it because you were procrastinating on homework and your grades have been falling” i went from a 3.9 to a 3.0 that year bc of that incident and the next year i got a D in a class the next semester bc of the stress

we never talked to just check in we never had a casual conversation about anything since i came to college and anytime i tried he turned it into a sermon on what a waste of space i am

i don’t understand how a man can alienate his entire family to the point that his own wife won’t have a conversation with him while they’re living under the same goddamn roof, go through employees and coworkers like tissue paper (3 secretaries in 4 months bc they all quit are you fucking kidding me) and then lose all your friends bc they’re tired of you treating them like they’re morons and then still think that you’re the only reasonable person out of everyone in your life, like i’d feel sorry for him and how lonely that is and how it’s gonna catch up to him in a few years but honestly i spent so long thinking it was me that i even started calling myself a gremlin bc i thought i was that woefully inadequate at interacting with people like a goddamn human being when it turns out the problem wasn’t even me!!!! if you ask anyone at the college i have my faults but none of them are that i have a problem with communicating where i scream at the people i supposedly care about and call them terrible names and threaten to hurt or kill them that’s not a me thing!!

i’m just. so tired of living like this

meanwhile brendan’s really being such a trooper he’s been comforting me through all of this, tried so hard to make me laugh and feel better when i spent the entire day crying, called me on his way to work to check in with me, gave me some exciting news on his end to distract me

he’s been promised a trip to vegas sometime next year with his friend jim, he wants to take me with him but he also knows that i’m moving after graduation and he doesn’t want them to clash

he has an aunt who did this for his 18th birthday apparently he and jim went together that time too and his mom doesn’t trust him to travel alone bc he’s always losing things lmaooo but in all seriousness i’m just so grateful that he heard about the fact that he was being gifted a trip and the first thing he thought of was taking me along bc wow i do have a family it’s just not the one i was born with and brendan thinks of me as family too and i’m just,,, wow what did i do to deserve such an amazing romantic partner we’ve grown so much together and i love him so much

and my friends, my friends from flight rising who’ve become my gay snuggle pile, i love them so much too, they are my siblings and my parents and my family. jules bought me dinner yesterday bc my legs weren’t working and i was too upset to eat and when i told him i owed him my soul bc i’m broke as shit he said this was what family was for and honestly when will your friend-family ever bc i’m so cursed by my father and my paternal family but somehow i’ve landed in a place where i’m surrounded by love anyway despite my jagged edges and despite the fact that there are people who genuinely hate me in my biological family

my feelings are all over the place i need food and water and my stuffed sloth to snuggle for a bit

but tl;dr father called, of course it went terribly, it went something like:
“You’re irresponsible and brainless so here are four very basic things to think about when you consider moving out after college”
“I can answer these questions because I’ve already been thinking about it, here are my ideas”
“YOU ARE BRAINLESS AND STUPID YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THESE BASIC THINGS YOU’VE ALREADY PLANNED FOR”
“I already have though, here’s the framework of my plan and my timeline”
“DON’T INTERRUPT ME YOU BRAT YOU ARE A DEMON BITCH AND IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME I WILL MAKE YOU ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. HARMING YOU DOESN’T WORK SO I’LL HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING WORSE BUT I SWEAR I’LL MAKE YOU LISTEN”

… yeah he lowkey threatened to kill me so that’s fun c’:

but i’m still surrounded by love somehow and i don’t feel scared anymore

just so, so tired