8/25/18

I’m just

Having a really bad time adjusting to being away from him

Which I know I shouldn’t if it’s true love like I think it might be since we’ll see each other again soon enough

But I’ve never felt so warm and safe in someone’s presence and it’s not like it was with alasund where there was this desperation to hold on because he was my only shot at survival

It’s nothing like that even though my situation has arguably gotten worse since then brendan just feels warm and safe without me needing to tell him that I need warm and safe it’s just how he is to me

And now it’s like… it’s like I’m scared I won’t ever feel that way again because wanting more than just a taste is greed and I’m not allowed to be greedy I can’t be greedy being greedy is bad

I miss him a lot and we’re both still leaking a little at the eyes but he’s taking it a lot better than me

Mostly because he’s looking forward to the day we meet again and I’m looking back at what it was like

Like make fun of me for dating a nerdy white boy but he really is the rare Good Guy, he’s affectionate and even though he’s quiet he does communicate well in person and he’s kind and generous and considerate and even if he doesn’t understand everything he respects it like with my synesthesia and the trauma over p*dophilia and my thing with broken glass

Jim made a bad joke about thinking we were going to die on the flight to Dallas and Brendan shut him up bc I was having a panic attack over the thunderstorms

When I started hyperventilating he grabbed my hand and squeezed it until I calmed down

When I freaked out over a p*dophilia joke in a sitcom we were watching he snuggled until I was feeling better

When he dropped me off at the airport i left him a letter to read if he missed me and he read it as soon as he got home

I just

Love him a lot and it’s weird because I’ve loved intensely before but I’ve never felt so warm and safe and loved and now that I know what it’s like I don’t know if I can get enough

Also kind of helps that he feels like an old friend not just a romantic partner

I mean it’s kind of a given with my awkward demiromantic ass but things were a little backwards with him for a while

We can laugh over dumb shit streamers do and geek out over movies and tv shows and video games together and it’ll be fun and then he’ll look over at me and god damn I can’t take my eyes off him

I miss being next to him and feeling his hand in mine